He’s already been photoshopped into a Cardinals uniform. Let’s photoshop him into a St. Louis uniform.
This time of year, the baseball internet is inundated with thousands of pictures of the sport’s top free agents photoshopped in the uniforms of potential suitors. People want to see how he would look in their team’s uniforms.
This year is no different, especially when it comes to Bryce Harper. The internet is already littered with photoshopped day dreams.
— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) November 13, 2018
— Stadium (@WatchStadium) November 8, 2018
Bryce Harper as a Pirate pic.twitter.com/YnoCEVEWYQ
— josABanks (@theJoshBanks) November 14, 2018
And of course, there’s also this…
— Matt Steward (@MattSteward27) November 6, 2018
I’ll give you a moment to adjust your pants.
But look, I say, why stop at the uniform. If (read: when, if you’re an optimist) Bryce moves here, he’s going to live here 365 days a year, not just the 81 nights the Cardinals play at home. So why not imagine him in everyday clothes… but even furthermore… everyday clothes that you see specifically in St. Louis.
So let’s take a first look at Bryce Harper dressed as a true-St. Louisan, in the unofficial official St. Louis uniform.
How do you get a good idea of what Bryce Harper would look like playing for St. Louis? You put him in a t-shirt from a local craft brewery. Like this picture here of him in an Urban Chestnut v-neck.
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Bryce has an incredible head of hair, but he’s also a big hat guy. And if you’re a big hat guy in the Midwest, you need yourself a mesh trucker hat with the initials of this city on them, like this Arch Apparel hat. Then whenever anyone asks you what that thing on your head is, he’ll hit ’em with: “That’s a crown question, bro.”
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To be a St. Louis resident, you need one of two things: a 314 area code and a Patagonia jacket. And not necessarily in that order. This look should get Cardinals fans more excited than seeing Bryce photoshopped in a Cardinals jersey, because this look screams: “Where did you go to high school?”
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Honestly, we didn’t even have to photoshop this one. This outfit basically tells you, “I’m on a lunch break from my middle-management job at Ernst & Young.” If Bryce can pull off this look, then he can pull off living here, no question.
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These things are more predominant in St. Louis than Lou Fusz Automotive license plate frames. I get it. Why drop $38 dollars for a cool vintage Mizzou tee when you can just spend $9 on a 100% cotton t-shirt off the rack at Wal-Mart? Is the design cool? No. But is the price tag? Yes!
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Oh yeah. He can totally pull off the St. Louis look. What’s more St. Louis than Yadier Molina? And what’s more Yadier Molina than his neck tattoos?
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Yup. Yup! YUP! This is it. Forget seeing Bryce in a Cardinals gamer. I want to see Bryce in that H.O.F. blazer. Throw him in a convertible and parade him around Busch on Opening Day after his 14-plus year career in St. Louis. Personally, I think this look is the best.
Follow Austin on Twitter: @AustinHuff